Reading Conservatives have lost their bid to have the One Way IDR scrapped for good, after Labour and Lib Dems agreed to have an independent review of Reading's traffic problems.

Acting Conservative Group Leader Rik Willis was in fighting mood: "We Conservatives recognise the lack of support for the scheme from the public, local business as well as from neighbouring Wokingham which is why we are now voting against it and we really hope that the people of Reading and the local press are too thick to remember that we've consistently voted for the one way IDR over the last five years. With immediate effect Fred Pugh will be wearing a gag to stop him coming out in support of things which we find out later that we've opposed all along."

We asked whether this U-turn marked a fundamental change in Tory policy. "Definitely not. It is totally consistent with current Tory policy to say anything to get elected and hope the public don't twig they're being hoodwinked."

Fire crews rushed to a farm after an incinerator – in the process of burning a pig – caught alight. Other pigs had to be led to safety during the incident on Tuesday because of the sty-fling heat before the fire pig-aid managed to bring the fire under control and boar-d up the building. Hambulance staff were on hand to apply oinkment to the victims and hand out sow-esters. A spokespig was unable to comment because he had been dis-gruntled by the smoke.

Council Officials have confirmed that Lambden's Farm's new Hog Roast has been given a five star hygiene rating and Dee Road station watch manager Chris P. Bacon said they stayed at the scene until the crackling was done but denied that firemen had made pigs of themselves.

Reading Council has denied that the two week collection of food waste has led to an explosion in maggots. Lead Councillor for the environment Steve Waite told us: "Our research shows that after two weeks, bins contain less bacteria and can be safely used to transport young children. You must all be imagining it. But if your bin is infested with maggots, why not ask Martin Salter to pop around to pick up some fish bait? He'll collect from both West and East Reading."

We asked how many complaints the council had received from residents and were told by Council spokesman Oscar Mortali: "There have been no complaints. I've checked our call centre stats quite meticulously and under 'Bins' we had no calls recorded in the last six months. 'Other' was running at 150 a day, but we don't keep records about what those are about. I also checked emails and because of council policy to delete every email received so we don't have to release them under the Freedom of Information Act, I can can confirm that we've received no emails on the subject either."

Reading Borough Council Legal Services

• Confused about data protection legislation?
• Not sure about what we are legally obliged to release under the Freedom of Information Act?
• Have potentially embarrassing emails you'd like to keep from public scrutiny?

Well, your worries are over. Simply hit the special RBC delete key whilst in Outlook and all traces of errant emails will be erased from the Council's computers at the push of a button. It will instantly be deleted from your inbox, your deleted items folder, the Council's exchange server and any offline backups we may have made. If that isn't enough to reassure you that your secret is safe, we will also publically pretend that we don't keep archives of everybody's emails if some nosey git starts asking awkward questions. And as a special protection, unless they can give us the exact time, subject and recipient of their request so that we can trace the person who leaked the story in the first place, we'll simply refuse to acknowledge the emails exist.

Note: if you have lost an email you'd really like to keep, just ring up IT support and they'll restore it for you.

After the fiasco of the Olympic Committee spending £400,000 on their logo, Reading Borough Council couldn't let such a monumental waste of public money go unchallenged. Our sources have revealed that a new logo has been commissioned and will be unveiled shortly.

"You can never have enough logos," said head of communications, Sally Swift. " 'Your Reading', 'Safer Reading', 'Reading 2020'; we haven't had a new one for a few minutes, so we asked our chums at a few local marketing and communications agencies to come up with a new logo for Reading and we are very pleased with the results."

Lead designer, Quentin Farquarson, from Money for Old Rope Communications told us: "I got this idea from trawling about on the internet and then asked myself what is it about Reading that really catches the public's imagination and I thought, I know it's the old shopping trolleys in the Kennet and Thames, so I added a blue swish symbolising the dumping ground of archetypal Reading streetware, the two rivers. Job's a good 'un, that'll be £100,000 please. Not bad for ten minutes work and some poncey management speak to sell the idea."

Reading Tory group leader in waiting Rik Willis has once again hit out at Liberal Democrat candidate for Reading East Gareth Epps in their continuing war of words. "Although he denies any involvement in negative campaigning, I have here actual proof that he is guilty of mudslinging. How dare he? Damon Buffini is a private equity god... and just the sort of person we need to bail the Tory party out of debt."

Mr. Epps was unphased by the accusations. "As Rik well knows I was taking a well earned break at the Glastonbury festival, although it's not the same as it used to be. It's far too commercial and attracting the wrong sort. I looked into the Glastonbury toilets and I think I detected a nasty Tory smear campaign. It's a good job I brought my own toilet roll."

Tony Jones, chair of Reading Buses, has announced the ordering of a brand new fleet of eco-buses for Reading, but they will not be the ethanol powered buses prematurely announced in a Martin Salter press release.

"Although we've been running bio-diesel buses for sometime now, we have had to take another look at our plans to use ethanol powered buses after news of the type of fuel leaked out as we found that the cost of security to prevent our bus drivers siphoning off the alcohol would bankrupt us. However, we are pleased to tell you that Reading Buses has found an alternative source of fuel and still will be the first fleet in the country to run entirely zero-emission vehicles.

"We're going to install heat exchangers in the council chamber and run the entire fleet off hot air. We estimate that there will enough generated by councillors to run services for a whole month from a single planning meeting alone and if David Sutton turns up again we'll be able to let Street Care power their vehicles as well."

Another exciting first for Reading Borough Council was witnessed when a planning application for the Lok'n'Store site in Katesgrove was turned down after a shock intervention from Leader of the Council, Dave Sutton, the shock being that it was about a matter concerning the ward he represents. Davie Boy told the astonished meeting: "I have six very good reasons why the council should reject this application and I hope that a Reading Evening Post journalist is here to record them for posterity:

1. I am standing for election next year.
2. I will probably lose.
3. This gives me some sort of public profile in my Ward.
4. Our taxi drivers might have nowhere to park, um...
5. Did I mention I am standing for election next year?
6. It's a beautiful part of the river ah, Eldon Rd, whose soft-flowing stream heals the cares of time, how I shall miss thee."

Councillor Pete Ruhemann, actually managing not to walk out before the end of the meeting this time, added: "Think of the pond life. We've lost far too many good Labour councillors recently."

The Army Commander from the Eldon Road Brigade of the Provisional KRA released a statement. "We are pleased to see Mr. Sutton bowing to the pressure of the ballot box and we do not want to see a return to the days when the council would rubber stamp everything proposed by Green Issues. But we would not like this ceasefire in hostilities to detract from our desire for the eventual reunification of East and West Katesgrove."

The Real KRA refused to back the deal and promised to continue their monthly meetings of the Katesgrove Residents' Association, with or without Dave Sutton's attendence.

Police have carried out a major sting operation at the Alexandra Road Mosque and have arrested a man they have been calling 'Mr. Big.' A police insider told us, "Oh, he's real small fry, but we use that name for anyone we have to use the hydraulic lift to get into the back of a black maria."

Mr. Iqbal, who is vice chairman of the local Pakistani Community Centre, is accused of assaulting the now Tory councillor for Park ward before the local elections. He declined to comment on the charge, but his solicitor read out a prepared statement. "I am outraged by this arrest and this vicious slur on my character. This will bring shame to myself, my family and dishonour my good family name. I am not and never have been a member of the Reading Labour Party. Anyway, he was asking for it."

Mr Iqbal will be appearing in a court near you soon.

Police are trying to establish the whereabouts of Mr. Reading Conservative-Party, missing since May 3rd 2007. Mr. R. Conservative-Party or 'Tory Boy', as he is known to his friends, was last seen at 12:00 at the Rivermead Leisure Centre on that date. He has not updated his party's web site since then and there has been no recent entries on his DareNotShowMyFacebook profile.

When last seen, he was writing offensive messages about someone called 'Dave' on the muckspReading traffic info sign, making empty promises to strangers on their doorsteps and pan-handling money from Microsoft. He is described as white, middle-class and his policies are described as of slight build.

Local constituents are now extremely anxious to ascertain the whereabouts of Mr. R. Conservative-Party. A close friend has urged anyone with any information of his whereabouts to contact MOTEST Reading to arrange an appointment.

UPDATE: Latest reports suggest that the missing person may be going under the alias Rob Wallace and hanging around the Houses of Parliament. Approach with caution.

Reading's Greens have launched a campaign to make a busy Newtown crossing safer for walkers and cyclists. The group says the major crossing at Cemetery Junction is an accident waiting to happen.

Rob White told us: "We acknowledge that there haven't actually been any accidents at this crossing yet, but it's bound to happen now that we're blocking access in order to hassle people to fill in our survey.

"We have a fully costed and workable solution: A Greater Reading Park’n’Bike scheme. We’ll simply wall up the end of the A3290 and give everyone a free bicycle, no exceptions. Just think how much safer the area would be if articulated lorries were banned? I'm sure if the whole community pulled together and we got enough bikes with those little baskets on the front, we could restock an entire Tescos in a few months."

The Greens also plan to make Reading's streets safer for walkers. "Walking is the most sustainable form of transport," continued Rob, "just think of by how much we could reduce the carbon footprint of Reading if we forced accident victims, the old and angina sufferers to walk to the Royal Berks instead of swaning around in their fancy 'ambulances'. Just an extra heart attack or two a year would make a significant contribution to help save the planet."

One Newtown resident commenting on the Greens' campaign told us: "I think if they concentrated on the real local issues, like drive-by shootings and attacks with baseball bats, they might do a lot more to make Newtown a safer place. Rob's probably just upset that no-one could be bothered to beat him up during the local elections. And I wish he’d stop removing his shirt in public."

Do you know a council worker who has either provided you with excellent service or gone out of their way to help you?

No, nor do we, but this year – for the first time – muckspReading has launched Couldn't Care Less Exasperation Awards. Residents are being invited to nominate council staff members who they feel have gone that extra mile to annoy and frustrate them.

• Maybe it's a traffic warden who has ticketed your car despite it bearing a valid permit?
• A dustcart operative who refuses to take your recycle bin because a passer-by has contaminated it with a banana skin
• Your planning application has been refused because you didn't get Green Issues involved?

Whatever your gripe we're here to listen. Winners will be announced every April, July, October and January and they will be invited to attend a presentation and awards ceremony in the Mayor's Parlour at the Civic Centre, where there will be lots of cakes.

Jo Lovelock, Deputy Leader of Reading Borough Council, said: "I think it is really important that we find ways to publicly thank staff who go the extra mile to raise revenue and reduce costs by not doing anything. Only too often it is when something has gone right that it gets publicity, because we never put out a press release when it goes tits up."

Worries over an obesity epidemic in Reading have surfaced after a recent spate of food related press releases and photo opportunities.

Concerns over councillors' health first surfaced when inexperienced breast feeder Chris "Mr. Kipling" Maskell turned up at the drop of a cake at the Reading Breastfeeding Network and Steve Waite tucked into a five course curry at the Garden of Gulab 'on council business'.

Now Jon Hartley has added to the anxiety that local politicians' girths are spiralling out of control after announcing the "Special Chef's Table" initiative in Reading's schools. Cllr. Hartley told us: "The Putting Fun Back into Food campaign is all about engaging pupils' interest in eating and I think I'm the ideal person to show them the way as I'm always being told that I have a healthy appetite. But it's not all Turkey Twizzlers, our chef said he was introducing snails in an effort to get fast food off the menu and we're going to be telling the kids how to make ice cream at sundae school."

BBC television presenter Ptolemy Dean will be in Reading to celebrate the opening of a new exhibition sponsored by the Council's transport department, Peter Brett Associates.

Ptolemy Dean, conservation architect on the popular Restoration programme, will join Council executives and lead councillors desperate to be photographed next to some someone who is actually popular for their building projects at the Museum of Reading in the Town Hall on Thursday, June 21.

An open floor discussion session is planned, but please note that questions about the mysterious fire that destroyed the old town brewery, the hotel being built without planning permission next to the IDR or the council's desire to knock down the Grade II listed King's Meadows lido will not be permitted.

Press Release For Immediate Release

Reading Borough Council officers have shut down the Buffet Express restaurant in Wokingham Road having awarded the restaurant zero stars for food safety last year after a “programmed”, or routine inspection. Its food was deemed an “imminent risk to the health of consumers”.

Notes for Editors: PHOTOCALL: Because the Liberals keep whingeing that the Council PR department is a thinly disguised arm of the Reading Labour Party, to redress the balance we have arranged for Councillor Kirsten Bayes to tuck into a curry at Buffet Express at 11pm on Friday June 15. Bring your own sick bucket.

Martin Salter has spoken defiantly after a bill supporting MPs’ exemption from the Freedom of Information Act failed to find a single supporter in the House of Lords and faces being killed off. However, the MP for Reading East and West appears to have found a way to push through the legislation despite the damage to his credibility that it has caused.

“I’m not prepared to see this bill falter after fighting tooth and nail to sneak it through and as my position as an MP is looking decidedly dodgy at the next election, I’ve had a word with him up above and he’s kindly agreed to ennoble me (or at least it sounded like ‘ennoble’) in the Resignation Honours List. That way I can protect myself from snooping journalists and not have to worry about facing the wrath of the electorate. I’ll see if the Communication Workers Union can bung me some money for Lord Levy’s administration ‘expenses’. I think Lord Salter of Scours Lane sounds good.”

Political Opponents have united in a 'Keep Salter Out' campaign. Rob Wilson, Anneliese Dodds and Gareth Epps have joined forces to ask for a permanent wall to be erected between Reading East and West to keep the geographically challenged MP in his own constituency.

Rob Wilson MP told us: "He comes over here and he takes my jobs. I've warned him once before about it, but he said he'd get this geezer from the Alexandra Road mosque to sort me out if I carried on complaining." Anneliese Dodds added: "He told me that if I agreed with everything he said he'd leave me alone, but every time I open the local papers there's his grinning mug learing out at me. I thought I was meant to be the face of Labour in Reading East. I can't handle it any more. I'm going to ask Billericay if they'll have me back."

Gareth Epps was more scathing in his attack on the guitar toting MP. "Not only does he insist on campaigning for something that isn't even in his constituency, but if you look closely at the Jail Guitar Doors publicity photo, you can clearly see Salter is miming. I suspect that John Howarth is out of shot playing his chords for him."

Reading Borough Council will this month be taking part in a joint national initiative with the Health & Safety Executive to make a couple of hire shops a bit of cash, er, concerning the safe use of ladders. Before using a ladder you should ask yourself these simple questions:

• Is there a tall person nearby who could perhaps do it instead?
• Is my aluminium ladder standing in a swimming pool whilst I'm trying to replace a light bulb?
• Is there a crazed gorilla in the tree?

If you cannot answer these questions, ring us immediately and we'll arrange a hugely expensive health and safety review and shut you down whilst we're conducting it.

Next month, the Council will be also be issuing guidance for: 'Walking in High Heeled Shoes' (in three different versions, English, Polish, Men); 'The Safe Use of Stairs'; 'Kettle Safety and You' and 'Sucking Eggs - What Grandma Didn't Tell You'.
All are available by calling the Council and quoting reference: 'Patronising Nonsense'.

Caversham Lib Dems are in crisis after news of their pact to hand over the ward to the Tories was leaked live on TV by Anneliese Dodds, prompting many members to wonder why they bothered. The final straw appears to have been former Park Ward candidate Richard Hall moving into their catchment area. One member, who didn't want to be named, told us: "If Richard's going to become active in Caversham then we might as well go home now. It was easier to win this seat when the councillor lived in Bristol."

Bob Green, the one remaining Lib Dem councillor in the area, told us: "Although, to outside observers, it looks like we haven't got a clue with how to deal with losing our presence in Caversham, nothing could be further from the truth. I refer you to the motion at the last Caversham Branch AGM: Will The Last Person Leaving Please Turn Off The Lights, which was carried unanimously."

Locally reknown impressionist Steve Waste of Space will be taking his show "The Magic of Recycling" to Reading's schools over the coming weeks. Through the use of audience participation, comedy and the visual impact of magic, pupils learn what recycling is, why it's important, and how to do it.

Steve told us: "People often ask me why I'm known as a great impressionist. Well, it's because I like to send out as many council press releases as possible, giving people the impression that I'm doing something, whilst in reality I let mountains of bottles pile up on doorsteps and refuse to initiate kerbside collections." Excited audience member Davie Sutton aged 6¼ of New Town Primary said after watching the show: "I never believed that turning glass into Glasphalt to build roads was recycling and I'm happy to see that Stevie Waste agrees with me."

The show finished with a unanimous response from the kids to Waste of Space's trademark "What do you think of Reading's recycling show so far?" - "RUBBISH!"

Local Labour Councillors have denied union infighting after the merger of the Transport and General Workers Union and Amicus was given the go ahead by less than 25% of elegible members.

In the T&GWU camp Tony Jones, Tony Page, Peter Ruhemann and Steve Waite were said to have demanded that the new union preserves traditional naming conventions whereby you could tell what a union stood for by its name, whilst former Amicus members Graham Hoskin, Chris Goodall and David Sutton were in favour of a generic name. "It's not true," said Tony Jones, "that we have had any disagreements over the matter. We all agreed that 'Unite' was a particularly poor name and instead have decided to put forward a joint proposal to the regional committee to change the new union's name to the National Union for Manufacturing, Professional, Transportation and Information Employees. I think the new name describes our members well."

Work on a new £32,000 skate park designed with the help of local youngsters has been completed.

Deborah Edwards, deputy lead councillor for children's services, praised the commitment of the skaters. "They said what they wanted, worked for it with the youth workers, local councillors, council officers - and what a result," she said. "We think it's £32,000 well spent. Investing in a new plastic shelter and 1,200 rocks of crack cocaine will mean that the kids will stay dry waiting for their dealers to turn up and we won't be stuck with a lump of useless concrete which nobody will be using in three months time."

Three new anti-graffiti vans have been bought by Reading Borough Council in a bid to clear up the graffiti blight that has hit the town. The three new vans are being initially deployed en-mass at the Central Club to clean up the unsightly Black History Mural which the council have been determined to remove for years.

Council spokesman Oscar Mortali added: "After our plans to remove the mural as part of the one way IDR redevelopment floundered, we now have a second bite of the cherry and we hope that the new anti-graffiti teams will remove this eyesore and whitewash the exterior so that it is more in keeping with the blandness that is Reading."

A 10-foot puppet made by young people from the Dee Park area for the West Reading Carnival has been the first victim of the new dispersal powers announced by the police and Reading Borough Council. Constable Willie Winkie told us: "We have had reports of disturbances caused by the 10 foot mannequin peering into upper floor bedrooms as it passes by. The operation of the puppet also requires gangs of youths who seem to be 'having a laugh' which is clearly harrassing some older residents. We have therefore issued orders for the puppet to move on or it will be arrested."

Pete Ruhemann, Lead Councillor for Children's Services, said: "This sort of behaviour by children can really cause alarm and distress, so I'm glad that the police have acted so swiftly. PC Wee Willie Winkie should be commended for rapping on the windows and crying through the locks to ensure that all the children are in their beds when it's gone eight o'clock."

Note: We did request a copy of the photo of the puppet from the council as they promised on their press release, but they haven't sent it to us. Wonder why?

Budding young Reading rappers are being challenged to use their skills to promote a new form of CCTV that tells off yobs and litterbugs when it catches them in the act. The Safer Reading Campaign is teaming up with local radio station Reading 107fm to run a special prize competition for young people, aimed at finding the best crap, er we mean rap, to promote a new 'Talking CCTV' initiative.

The first entries have already been pouring in from all the groovy with-it hoopy dudes out there:

• It's on the front page of the papers, This is their hour of need. Where's a policeman, when you need one? He's watching his colour TV.
  Sent in by Master Neil Tennant Aged 10½
• See them walking hand in hand across Reading bridge at midnight. Heads turning as the blue lights flashing out are so bright. Then run across the fourline track. There's a train running over her back, over her back. And I sense we could have stopped her if we'd only deployed some more staff.
  Submitted by Master Simon Le Bon Aged 8¾
• If it wasn't such a waste of money, these talking cameras would be funny
  Entry by Rupert T. Bear

The winner will have their crap played on radio and will also get the chance to be one of the first people to use the new talking CCTV to reprimand someone caught in the act while littering the streets or other antisocial behaviour. Tony Page has already volunteered to be the first photocall 'victim' as a seasoned observer of the criminal justice system.

Supt Steve Kirk, Commander for Reading, said: "I think the cameras are a complete waste of time and money as do most of my officers, but I'm not going to start knocking Council gimmicks in press releases because they'll replace more frontline policemen with Community Support Officers if I'm not careful."

Reading Borough Council Cabinet have announced a humiliating climb down over plans for the one way IDR. In a shock first for the town the Council have agreed to listen to residents and will create an independent public commission to consider transport strategy.

To cries of 'on yer bike', Councillor Crisp anounced: "We still think the public are as thick as mince to reject such a fine use of £15m, but we'd all like to keep our jobs next year. With immediate effect, we've asked Tricia Haines to pose for a few publicity photographs breaking the seals on the traffic orders and instructions to reveal to the Evening Post that it was all an April Fools joke that got out of hand after a session down the RISC centre."

A Wokingham Road curry house is celebrating winning the PR opportunity of a lifetime after being chosen by the Reading Borough Council PR department as the winner of the RBC/Evening Post sponsored Free Publicity for a Week competition. Owner Mohammed Miah told us: "We are extremely pleased, but surprised, to find ourselves the winners. We expected the 5 star rated Burger King in St Mary's Butts to get all the publicity rather than a mere 4 star establishment like ourselves, but Steve Waite demanded a full three course binge before he would step out on official business so Burger King was ruled out. Luckily we managed to prevent Mayor Chris "Mr. Kipling" Maskell from coming along as well by telling him that we don't have any cakes, otherwise we'd be in serious danger of going bust."

Notes for Editors: PHOTOCALL:Councillor Steve Waite will be stuffing his fat face whilst pretending to be on Council business at the Garden of Gulab restaurant (130-134 Wokingham Rd RG6 1JL) at 2pm on Friday June 8 if anyone would like to take their cameras along for us.

The Bishop of Reading, The Right Reverend Stephen Cottrell, has been handing out egg timers to councillors and urging them to take time out of their busy schedules to take a moment for quiet relection.

He said that "nurturing your inner slob" could help people start "an adventure of self discovery".

Tory group leader, Rik Willis, er, we mean Fred Pugh told us: "I heartily concure with the Bishop. For too many years Councillors have been expected to hold local surgeries for their constituents on Saturdays. When do they think we're going to find the time to wash our cars and play golf?"

However, Councillor Tony Page went out of his way to bash the Bishop: "The last thing this town wants to see is Jon Hartley releasing his 'inner slob'."

It has been claimed that red haired Reading politicians have been forced to move after being threatened by local thugs. Thames Valley Police said there had been a number of incidents of all of which had been fully investigated, but each time there was not enough evidence to bring charges. However, we can reveal that June Orton was forced out of Abbey ward by local gangs of taxi drivers and one publicity shy victim was forced to move to Strasbourg after years of torment. Police are now said to be mounting a 24 hour patrol around Anneliese Dodds' home after notes were posted through her letter box saying: "You must dye before you will get elected in Reading".

A Reading Labour Party spokeman hit back at the accusations: "We vehemently deny targeting these people because of the colour of their hair. Absolutely ridiculous, we wouldn't target them because of that, it's because they're women."