Full Council meeting 

[Mayor Enters]

Peter Jones:                    Now sit down. That's enough f***ing Oxbridge pleasantries.

Chris Harris:                  Those are curse words right?

Peter Jones:                    Kiss my sweaty balls you fat **** and shut it, or I'll hole punch your face.

Pete Ruheman:             I’ve been running this place with kid gloves for years... made with real kids.

Peter Jones                     Sorry Pete, you have got to go. You don't leave your boss spinning in the wind then burst in smelling like a pissed seaside donkey.

Pete Ruhemann:           I’m sorry everyone, the JAR report needed some serious spin by the PR department and I needed to slay that particular dragon before it got out of control.

Jo Lovelock                   I am not a monster!

Tony Page:                    Now, we are moving John Ennis to Children’s  Services which leaves us with a bit of a problem. We’ve run out of competent councillors. So Deborah, Jo wants you to take over housing. It’s an important job so talk to as few people as possible.

Andrew Cumpsty:        Well, I think that this just shows the complete disarray on the Labour benches. I would like to draw everyone’s attention to our one point plan to rescue Children’s Services.

Peter Jones:                    What’s that then you fat f***?

Andrew Cumpsty:        Sack the Tory spokesperson for Children’s Services. Er, is that right? Oh crap, I knew I should have rung Rob for instructions first. Rik help me out here?

Gareth Epps:                 Is there lobster on the menu? I smell bisque.

Tory HQ

[Tory strategy meeting, all present]

Rob  Wilson:                  It was a big part of our election campaign to save the King’s Meadow baths, so we need a carefully orchestrated plan of action to ensure that the blue rinse brigade are fully behind us. We’ve been telling them that the baths are safe in our hands and to vote for us. I’ve got the Kings Meadow campaign petition here. You’ve all signed it haven’t you?

All [in chorus]:               Yes

Rob Wilson:                   Good. Now let’s make sure that we deal the Labour party a bloody nose over this. They’re so desperate for section 106 money that they’ll back any development so we have a great chance to wrong foot them.

Rik Willis:                       Okay who’s on the Culture & Sport scrutiny panel? Tim Harris. Oh bollocks. Who put that little meet-puppet on there? Oh, it was me.

                                         Tim, I shall say this slowly so that you can understand what I am saying. It... is... important... that... you... don’t... let... the... developer... option... win. Got it?

Tim Harris:                    Yes, no problemo. I’ll skim read the documents in the meeting.

Culture & Sport Scrutiny

[Part way through, the vote is poised at 2-1 in favour of Kings Meadow Campaign]

Tim Harris:                    ...and sometimes to make peace you have to climb the mountain of conflict. Er, I’m abstaining because I haven’t read the papers, er, it’s a complicated decision and I’ve forgotten to write down which way Rob told me to vote. Crikey.

[Vote is now 3-2 in favour of Askett-Hawk]

Tom Stanway:              Oh, what the hell. We’ve lost the vote anyway. Go on, pave paradise and put up a two storey parking lot.

Back in Tory HQ

[Tory strategy meeting, all present]

Rob Wilson                    Crap, this is beginning to disentangle itself.  Let’s rework our Kings Meadow  Campaign support documents to fit in with our new position of not supporting it, whilst still pretending that we do. Now if we simply delete all references to support and just leave the caveats, then we should be okay.

Isobel Ballsdon:            You can’t just leave the caveats. It looks like we don’t support it anymore?

Rob Wilson:                   In the land of truth, the man with one fact is king. We’ll just make up the facts to fit our group line.

Andrew Cumpsty:        Why don’t we just keep delaying a decision on King’s Meadow until it falls down. We used it before as our strategy for the new Civic. Then we can call the builders in and look like we’re riding to the rescue.

Rik Willis:                       If it isn't Humpty Numpty sitting on the top of a collapsing wall like some clueless egg c***. This wall story is playing badly, there's a cartoon of you in here [holds copy of Evening Post] as a walrus.

Andrew Cumpsty:        A walrus? I'm not fat and I don't have a moustache. They've given me tusks. Look, we called some builders. They didn't turn up when they said they would.

Rik Willis:                       What did you expect? They're builders. Have you ever seen a film where the hero is a builder? No, because they never turn up in the nick of time. Bat-builder? Spider-builder? It's why you never see a superhero with a hod.

Rob Wilson:                   I'm giving this to someone else.

Labour HQ,  413 Oxford Road

John Howarth:                What have you f***ers been up to in my absence?

Tony Page:                    Well Jon, we’ve been following your plan to the letter. Find a popular cause then do the complete opposite.

John Howarth:                Are you mad? At the end of a war you need some soldiers left, or it looks like you've lost.

David Sutton:                Yeah, or you’ll feel a right tit?

John Howarth:                I thought we weren’t going to mention that again?

David Sutton:                No, we just agreed not to report it to the police.

Martin Salter:                Well, that’s it then. I’m f***ing not standing.  I’ve done everything I could to get the Asian vote short of blacking up and it’s not enough. I’m out of here.

to be continued...

Reading Borough Council look set to approve the redevelopment of Kings Meadow Baths. The Edwardian swimming pool has been lying derelict for years and the council have been looking for a developer to take over the grade II listed building.

Graham Hoskin, councillor for culture and sport, said: "Both plans on the table still need further development, but we can't put off making a decision for much longer. If it falls down whilst were still in charge of it we could get sued for neglecting our duties. We've now been waiting over 5 years for a mysterious fire to come to our rescue and it's bloody annoying that one hasn't turned up yet. They've had enough time."

The Grade II listed King's Meadows swimming baths were yesterday destroyed in a mystery arson attack. Campaigners have fought for many years to keep the structure, one of the last of its kind, preserved as a public building. However, like the fomer listed brewery which also was destroyed in a mysterious fire, the King's Meadows pool is now thought to be beyond economic repair and will be sold to developers.

"This is terrible news," laughed a Council spokesman. "The King's Meadows pool was much loved by all in the town, I can only hope that the hotel and marina complex that will be built to replace it for the benefit of rich yacht owners will be of some comfort to the residents of Reading."

Note to Editors: This story is embargoed until required.