Drunken revellers pushed the Accident and Emergency department at Royal Berkshire Hospital to breaking point as it suffered its busiest New Year's Day on record with riot police in attendance after a mass brawl in the town centre.

Kylie and Jason from Whitley however were happy with the service: "We'd popped down to a Wetherspoons pub to listen to a few Gangsta' tunes wiv' da'kidz and they threw us out after only two drinks. What do they expect us to do all day? We wuv' only chillin'. We had to send little Diezel and Britney down to Tesco to get some Tennents Super, then we came here to watch the big fight. It's cheaper than Sky Box Office!

One hospital administrator complained about the number of drunks: "We should have the right to ban the inebriated from the hospital site. They're not going to pay us anything for car parking."